#2 - Retrospection

I have been in places(mentally) that I am not proud of.

There have been times I have caught myself thinking about things I should feel ashamed to feel. Wrong, unethical things and sometimes I don't understand them. I think to myself  sometimes "Is my moral compass astray?"

I have done things I am not proud of, small things most of the time; Once when I saw an injured pigeon and thought that good that it happened to that creature even though I inherently don't hate pigeons as much. Other times they are life altering decisions- like breaking up with my girlfriend and cutting off from every other friend I had for a long time. 

It was just something I did when I felt down and needed someone to blame. Honestly I don't even know why I did what I did. I wish I had better self awareness. Self awareness, this word always reminds me of that one greek story about Androcles and the lion. The lion was constantly attacking villagers at night and going out of its territory things it usually should'nt . All the people around thought it was it's nature. that it was an agressive lion. One day a boy named Androcles a shepherd went deep into the forest for his cattle. Nightime fell before he could make it back and he sought shelter at a cave not far from the village. Suddenly he hears a roar. A fierce looking lion was standing at the entrance and Androcles scared at the notion of dying was at the edge of consciousness. 

Suddenly he noticed something- the lion, instead of roaring with anger, was moaning with pain. Under further observation he realized that it had a stake peircing one of his paws, which it couldn't get out. At that point Androcles took pity on the lion and approached it, still cautious. The lion let him approach and surely androcles pulled out the piece of wood.

I feel like in some ways I am the lion.

Something is bothering me, or hurting me and I can't figure out what. I lack the ability to do so. And so I lash out, do aggressive things. In order to diagnose the solution I take irrational and drastic steps like cutting out people and getting angry at ones who are closest to me, all reslting in nothing but more pain and suffering. I sometimes think that maybe no one else can be the one who saves me because I don't even let anyone get close. Enough to help at least.

I have become so toxic and apathetic. I can realize that I have. People don't want to talk to me, give me looks, downright hate me. I couldn't understand why. What am I doing wrong. Honestly I still do not know what but I sure am not doing anything right. I have become an attention-hungry depressed edgy failure in his 20s without a college or a plan in life. 

I feel like I am slipping

Everytime I feel like I am at my rock-bottom, the rabbit hole starts to go deeper
I don't want to fall forever.